I haven't used this blog for a few years. Since the last time I posted, I got married....got a new puppy...had a baby. You know, just a few small life changes. I love to look back at the posts on this blog as reminders of my life during my early 20's. I was adjusting to my first real job in a new city in my own big girl apartment. There were, as there often are during that phase of life, some high highs and some low lows. This blog has helped me process things that happened and looking back on them shows me how much has changed. So, this post is to serve as my own little reminder of what this time in my life was like. It's incredibly personal, and I consider myself to be a private person, especially as I've gotten older. So, I post it not to overshare or ask for sympathy/attention, but rather to share what I've experienced in the hopes that someone who has similar feelings doesn't feel so alone.
We found out we were expecting our first baby the day after my husband's birthday in October, 2019. I went up to his office to meet him for lunch and told him he had a late birthday present. I'll never forget the look of confusion and then shock and then pure joy as I showed him the picture of the two pregnancy tests(one of which was digital...I needed to see the word "pregnant"...the lines didn't cut it). My parents came into town the next week and it was so special to get to tell both sets of grandparents in person about the news. We went back to Atlanta for Christmas and I remember being so nauseous walking down the veryyyy familiar C terminal at Hartsfield-Jackson. We came back to Houston and celebrated NYE 2020 with our friends Laura and Chris. I remember thinking this was going to be such a crazy year. Lol, I had no idea.
I first read about what would eventually become COVID-19 in late January. I'm a science/medicine nerd and it was scary to see how rapidly it spread in Wuhan. I was a sophomore at Vandy when H1N1 first appeared and I figured it'd be similar to that. We'd isolate sick people, we'd wash our hands, the fraternities would make huge banners with very catchy sayings about how "H1N1 <3's our 'Dores"..k, maybe not that last one. Then I started reading about travel-related cases in Washington...then California...then cruise ships...then long-term care facilities...
I last was in my office on March 12. I was very excited since I had just brought my new mini-fridge to campus (this is 30) and was planning on stocking it with premium snacks and beverages after Spring Break. When I got word that we wouldn't be returning to campus after Spring Break, I figured it'd just be a spring semester thing. I didn't know that it would be at least 5 months before I went back to campus.
I remember the chest-gripping anxiety when I read about mamas in New York having to deliver their babies without a support person. Never, ever did I imagine that's how I'd give birth but suddenly I had to think about what that would be like. How was I going to spend what is simultaneously the scariest and the most beautiful moment of your life by myself? Without the one person who has ever been able to calm down this wild, crazy mind of mine? I was terrified and so damn sad about the possibility that my husband wouldn't be with me to meet our baby. He had to stop coming to appointments with me and I'd go alone, stop at the makeshift check-in in the hospital lobby, put on my mask, and go up to my visits from weeks 24-38.
Thankfully, Governor Cuomo in NY (I could write a whole blog post just about him, but I won't) wrote an executive order that mandated pregnant women in labor be given a support person and Texas never implemented a ban. We made it to June, ready to meet our baby. There were no maternity pictures, no in-person showers, no "oh, wow, you look ready to pop!". My own family never saw me in person with a bump. I was 14 weeks when I last saw them.
When I went into labor, I got another mask, got a COVID test (really isn't that bad, felt like I jumped under water and forgot to plug my nose), and had a baby. Craig was by my side the entire time and was such a pro at leg-holding and not passing out. I've been a part of hundreds of births and it was so disorienting to be on the other side of things. The one pushing instead of the one teaching how to push. The one crying as my baby got put onto my chest instead of the one (still usually tearing up) helping put a baby on a new mama. Craig got to say "It's a girl! Meet Reese Stevenson" and it'll forever be one of the most magical and special moments of my life. Worth the wait, for those of you who don't find out gender before delivery.
We had to wear masks (I barfed in mine while pushing....I tell you this because I will always keep it real) whenever other people were in our room. We were in and out of that hospital 25 hours after Reese was born. We are so in love with our girl and have spent so much time as a family of 5 (yes, the dogs absolutely count). As happy as we are to have this time together, this is not how I pictured it. I pictured our families meeting our girl right after she was born. I pictured my mom with me afterwards, helping me at home as I adjusted to being a mom myself. I pictured taking Reese to meet our friends, braving the Houston heat to hang out at our favorite breweries with our favorite people. Reese will be 9 weeks this week and none of that has happened yet. I don't know when it will. Nothing feels normal, and while I imagine most new parents feel some level of isolation, this is next level. I remember reading another mom post about it. She said something along the lines of having been chosen for this. Being made to become a parent in this time. I hold on to that. It's hard, for sure, but it's what we were made to do. Our friends and family have been so good to us, sending gifts and ordering us food. We are so lucky when I know so many are not.
While this is certainly not how I pictured things and not what I would choose, it's what we have. And it's still really beautiful.
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